Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

This forum is for long-term games, and was initially seeded with several topics from the Chat forum.

Moderator: Steering Group

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Dec 03, 2005 13:05

How do you kill off a circus in one go?

Go for the juggler!
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Ken Malone » Sat Dec 03, 2005 13:26

Image :D :D :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Dick Winchester » Thu Dec 22, 2005 21:02

So Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when Dick Cheney wandered in. After prayers Cheney was sent in a note from the Chiefs of Staff...

"What news?" asked El Presidente.... "Oh nothing good" said Dicky boy " another suicide attack in Iraq - they killed a Brazilian this time"

"God - that's really terrible news - What on earth can we say to the American people about this" cried the President...

"Hang on - exactly how many is a brazillion anyway?"
Dick Winchester
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Dec 24, 2005 15:44

An anvil falls off the top of a cliff and onto a military band... what do you call the result?

A Flat Major

:laughol:
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Ken Malone » Sat Dec 24, 2005 21:58

BUT ON THE WAY DOWN - IT FALLS FIRST ON A SCHOOLKID...


A Flat Minor
Ken Malone
 

Postby Daisy Hewitt » Sat Dec 24, 2005 23:08

Why are school cooks so cruel?

Because they batter fish and beat eggs!!
User avatar
Daisy Hewitt
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 1647
Joined: Mon Sep 01, 2003 20:41
Location: Conwy, Wales

Postby Alex Clouter » Tue Jan 10, 2006 23:01

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
church with me and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the! situation. !

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!"




YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS....




A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Dick Winchester » Wed Jan 11, 2006 01:25

"Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I'm obsessive."
"Why's that?"
"I like sausages."
"There's nothing strange about that. I like sausages too."

"Really? You must come and see my collection – I've got thousands!"
Dick Winchester
 

Postby Ken Malone » Wed Jan 11, 2006 09:05

Great one Dick

I got an image of sausages all on shelves inside display cases with hand-written labels on them :)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Jan 13, 2006 21:59

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire??


Frost Bite!
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Ken Malone » Sun Jan 15, 2006 18:17

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a monk?

A Blood Brother
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Jan 28, 2006 22:33

What did the agoraphobic skinhead say?

“Oi, you! Inside!”

:lol:
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Dick Winchester » Mon Jan 30, 2006 00:16

This is clean - honest!


Getting Married

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious
step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.

"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going
to step on it!"
Dick Winchester
 

Cows

Postby Danny Skehan » Thu Feb 02, 2006 17:30

SOCIALISM:

You have 2 cows and you give one to your
neighbour.

COMMUNISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.


BUREAUCRATISM:

You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
bull.Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.


AN IRISH FARMER:
You have two cows. You claim government subsidies :multi:
Country Representative - Eire & Northern Ireland
User avatar
Danny Skehan
Regional Representative
Regional Representative
 
Posts: 130
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2002 10:13
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Postby Ken Malone » Thu Feb 02, 2006 20:28

BRILLIANT!!!!
Ken Malone
 

Postby Danny Skehan » Mon Feb 13, 2006 14:28

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
£900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at
him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :lol:
Country Representative - Eire & Northern Ireland
User avatar
Danny Skehan
Regional Representative
Regional Representative
 
Posts: 130
Joined: Tue Jan 22, 2002 10:13
Location: Dublin, Ireland

Postby Dick Winchester » Thu Feb 16, 2006 01:23

The questions below about Australia are apparently from potential visitors.(never found the website) They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a ready sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No! , we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Gum Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Dick Winchester
 

Postby Ken Malone » Thu Feb 16, 2006 15:11

brilliant as ever Dick :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:06

A man is rushed to hospital when a fishbone is stuck in his throat.

The doctor says to him, “Are you choking?”

The man replies, “No, I’m b****y serious.”
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Dick Winchester » Fri Apr 07, 2006 20:33

Rumours are circulating that it will take 3 weeks to make the coffin for Gene Pitney from Tennessee Oak,



but only 24 hours from balsa !
Dick Winchester
 

PreviousNext

Return to Fun

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Google [Bot] and 0 guests

cron