Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

This forum is for long-term games, and was initially seeded with several topics from the Chat forum.

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Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue Feb 15, 2005 17:02

On a tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a France rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing England shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the blue semiconscious Frog from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the French and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue Feb 15, 2005 17:08

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Philip Lee » Wed Feb 16, 2005 16:15

If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Philip Lee
 

Postby Ken Malone » Wed Feb 16, 2005 18:44

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, Eh?"
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Feb 16, 2005 19:17

A sheriff rides into town looking for an outlaw. He heads for the saloon and orders a beer from the bartender. When the beer is served, he asks the bartender for his help.
“I’m in town looking for a cowboy known as the Paper Bag Kid,” the sheriff explains.
“Well, what does he look like?” asks the bartender.
“He’s kinda tall and he wears a hat made out of paper bags and a waistcoat made out of paper bags. Even his pants are made out of paper bags,” says the sheriff.
“Nope, don’t recall seeing any fella like that,” replies the bartender, “what’s this guy wanted for anyway?”
“Rustling,” says the sheriff.
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Feb 16, 2005 19:31

Essex Gal Speak
(with apologies to all Essex girls of course)

ASSA COMMONS - The Parliament Building.

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD
- Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

JA
- Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Feb 16, 2005 22:09

John and Jane are watching the 6 o’clock news. The main story is about a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol.
Jane turns to John and says, “I bet you £5000 he jumps.”
“You’re on,” replies John, “£5000 he doesn’t.”
Sure enough the man jumps. John takes the £5000 from his pocket and gives it to Jane.
“I can’t take your money John,” Jane refuses, “I watched the news at 5pm so I knew he would jump.”
“No babe,” John replies, “the money is yours fair and square; I saw the news at 5 o’clock too - I just didn’t think he would do it again.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Thu Feb 17, 2005 00:07

n Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10?" says the council worker, "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl, "I just use their surnames".
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Postby Alex Clouter » Thu Feb 17, 2005 22:54

A snail is sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow so he decides to buy a sports car.

The BMW Z3 is the one for him, so off he goes to the nearest dealer and places his order.

“I want to replace the Z3 badge with S3” he explains to the sales man.

“Why S?”, the sales man asks.

The snail replies, “S stands for snail. I want everyone who sees me roaring past to know who’s driving.”

The dealer doesn’t want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car re-badged for a small fee.

A week later and the snail gets his new car and spends the rest his days happily roaring down the motorway.

And whenever anyone sees him zooming by they say, “Wow, look at that S car go!
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Postby Philip Lee » Thu Feb 17, 2005 23:11

This snail walks up to a slug, and the slug says, "Big Issue"
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Postby Ken Malone » Fri Feb 18, 2005 00:09

Three blondes were walking through the desert when they found a magic genie's lamp.

After rubbing the lamp to make the genie appear, he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."

The first said, "I wish I were smarter."
So, she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than she is."
She became a brunette.

The third blond ordered, "I wish I were smarter than both of them!"
So, she became a man. :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Mon Feb 21, 2005 21:08

Ken!!

In response to you, here are a couple of reasons why a computer is male, not female!

In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on

The have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

They are supposed to help you solve problems but most of the time they ARE the problem

And the same idea as you - once you commit to one you realise that if you'd waited just a little longer you could have got a better model :P
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Feb 22, 2005 00:22

Hee hee

the computer has an advantage over both!!

It can be rebooted - reformatted or just unplugged :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue Feb 22, 2005 11:04

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush".

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than
going clubbing.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and
start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the
property section.

5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.

6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 50, he's only 50.

7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.

8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep
them because they'll be all right for the garden.

9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on
it.

10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls
out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and
money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your
garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn.
Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.

11. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.

12. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you
want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.

13. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a
Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they
Are for your child.

14. Pop music all starts to sound crap.

15. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they don't
have any pictures on the menus and anyway, they do a really nice
half-bottle of house white.

16. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly
furniture.

17. You always have enough milk in.

18. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to
go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud tapas restaurants and
franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have

19. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon
C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.

20. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

21. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

22. You wish you had a shed.

23. You have a shed.

24. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like
that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and
"Of course, in my day...."

25. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy
Vine has some really interesting guests on.

26. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off
the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose diction is poor.

27. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their
hanging baskets

28. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first
time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation
that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle
down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're
old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up
against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're
destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at
that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost
as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan
thrown in, ...
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Ian Linden » Tue Feb 22, 2005 12:00

Lindsey Gray wrote:SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

All quite correct, except I had to wait till I was 32 for my shed :D
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Postby Ed Swindell » Tue Feb 22, 2005 13:24

5, 8, 9, 19, 22, 23 have always applied to me, and as for 26 i've always tutted at both. In terms of the rest 4 & 12 are now definites and i'm embarrassed to admit that 21 has occurred once, but the rest are still a long way off!

Ed (who will be a young 30 later this year)
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Postby Ian Linden » Tue Feb 22, 2005 15:11

Ed Swindell wrote:5, 8, 9, 19, 22, 23 have always applied to me(who will be a young 30 later this year)

You have always had a shed :?:
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Postby Ed Swindell » Tue Feb 22, 2005 16:17

i think pretty much everywhere i've ever lived has had a shed, with one exception - university halls. So had as in had access to, pretty much yes. And given my history of errm 'unauthorised exploring' of university property you could say i sort of had access then too!
Ed Swindell
 

Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue Feb 22, 2005 16:27

Sounds like a bit of a dodgy checkered past there, me thinks :lol:
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Tue Feb 22, 2005 17:09

A woman takes her dog to the vet explaining that she thinks it is dead.
The vet puts the dog on the table, then reaches into a box and pulls out a cat. He puts the cat on the dog and watches as it walks along the dog from tail to nose, head down,closely studying the dog's fur and skin.
The dog does not move.
“You are right,” says the vet, “ I’m afraid that the dog is dead.”
“How much do I owe you?” asks the woman.
“£325,” replies the vet.
“You what!” screams the woman.
“£325,” the vet confirms, “It’s £25 for the consultation and £300 for the cat scan.”
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