Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

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Postby Alex Clouter » Tue Apr 18, 2006 22:35

Two Indians, born and bred in Liverpool, were driving down the road one day when a police car pulls them over.

The constable steps out the car and walks up to the Indians’ car and asks them to wind down the window.

The man in the passenger seat does so; the policeman then says, “ Do you know you are doing 50 mph in a 30 mph zone?”

The driver replies, “Short back and sides please, with a little off the top.”

The policeman who was puzzled by the man’s reply then asks: “Can I see your licence please?” to which the driver replies, “A number one blended in up the back and nothing off the top please.”

The policeman is now getting a bit angry by this time and tells the driver, “If you do not co-operate I’ll have to take you down to the station.”

The driver then requests, “ A number one all over please.”

The policeman is now very angry and asks the passenger what’s wrong with his mate.

The other Indian in the car says, “My mate only speaks hairdo.”
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Postby Dick Winchester » Tue Apr 25, 2006 15:41

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story).

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made to send the gun to England for testing.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled
out of the barrel, crashed through the shatterproof shield, smashing it to
smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineers
backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
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God and the Cappuccino driver

Postby Dick Winchester » Mon May 08, 2006 20:35

God and the Cappuccino driver

A Cappuccino owner was driving with his top off along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and God appeared and said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The driver pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

God said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly
exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to
justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The Cappuccino driver thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Postby Alex Clouter » Sun Jun 11, 2006 22:04

A policeman spots a young lady driving her Cappuccino down the M4 with a penguin hopping around next to her. The officer decided to pull the car over to find out what is going on.

“You know, you shouldn’t be keeping a penguin in your car like this,” he says. “This little chap would be better off going to a zoo.”

“Well, he’s a hitch hiker who just wanted to go for a ride,” she explained. “But you're right, of course, he should go to a zoo.”

The next day the officer sees the Cappo again, with the lady at the wheel still driving the penguin which is now seated comfortably, this time it is wearing dark glasses and a big floppy hat.

“I thought I told you to take him to a zoo,” the policeman protests.

“Well I did,” replies the lady. “And we liked it so much, today I’m taking him to the beach.”
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Postby Dick Winchester » Thu Jun 29, 2006 21:19

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Employment scheme and employ people from Manchester.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Manchester area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for....At the crew's first practice session, the Manchester pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower
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Postby Ken Malone » Thu Jun 29, 2006 21:42

stonking!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Postby Dick Winchester » Wed Jul 05, 2006 10:06

A blonde was driving back from a shopping trip when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it
full of dents.

She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.
The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at
least £4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.

The body man decided to have a little fun and said,

"Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop
back out."

She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She
drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbour came over to visit.

"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful
that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.

"I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out
of my car," explained the first blonde.

"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbour.
"Why not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."
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Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Jul 07, 2006 21:17

A man in Alabama is working on the buses collecting tickets. After one stop he rings the bell for the driver to set off just as a woman is getting on. The driver speeds off and the woman falls off the bus. She is killed instantly. The man is found guilty of murder and sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution the executioner grants him a final wish.

“Well,” the condemned man says. “Is that your packed lunch”

“Yes,” the executioner replies.

“Can I have that banana?” the man asks.

The executioner hands the man his banana, waits until he has eaten it, and then flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, however, he is still alive. The executioner is aghast.

“Am I free to go?” the man asks.

“According to the rules, yes,” the executioner replies. “I’m completely amazed though. That has never happened before.”

The man gets his job back on the buses. On his first day back, he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still trying to get on the bus. A man falls under one of the wheels and is killed.

Once more the man is sent to the electric chair. This time the executioner is determined to do the job properly so he turns up the power supply before granting the man a final wish.

“I’ll have that banana in your lunch pack,” the man says.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The man gobbles up the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair. The smoke clears and the man is sitting upright, smiling. Shocked, the executioner lets the man go.

The man gets his job back on the buses. It’s the second day of his work, with a new driver at the wheel. Again the man rings the bell while passengers are getting on and this time three people are killed. So again he is back at the electric chair. This time the executioner rigs up the power to the maximum and grants the man a wish.

“I think I will have that banana in your lunchbox,” he states.

The executioner hands over the banana and the man eats it all, skin included. Then the executioner pulls the handle and sends trillions of volts through the chair. When the smoke clears, the man is happily sitting in the chair without so much as a burn mark.

“I give up,” the executioner says. “How can you still be alive? It’s something to do with the bananas, isn’t it?”

“No,” the man replies. “I’m just a bad conductor.”
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joke

Postby Danny Skehan » Sat Jul 08, 2006 14:10

Saddam Hussain is to executed by firing squad, but he gets to pick his own shooters.

He picks Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard from 12 yards out.
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Postby Ken Malone » Sat Jul 08, 2006 14:13

:cheers: :cheers: GREAT JOKE
...........................................a bit like the team :cheers: :cheers:
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Postby Tracy Hickman » Fri Jul 14, 2006 03:29

A blind man walks into a pub with his guide dog and orders a pint. The barman says it's on the house because the chap is blind.

He finishes his beer, and on the way out he bumps into a friend of his walking a Chihuahua. "Hey, if you want a free pint tell the barman you're blind and that's your guide dog."

So he walks into the bar and the barman says "Oi! You can't bring that dog in here!". The man replies "But I'm blind and it's my guide dog."

The barman says "That's nonsense! Chihuahua's aren't used as guide dogs", to which the man replies " What?!? They gave me a Chihuahua???!!!"
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Postby Dick Winchester » Mon Jul 31, 2006 00:05

Extreme Sports

A man walks into a pet shop and heads directly to the bird section. The owner comes over and asks if he can help. “Yeah, I'd like a parrot," the man says, that one there'll do. The owner puts the parrot in a cage and the man pays and leaves the shop.

He drives to a bridge and looks down at the 1000 foot drop and thinks, “This looks like a good place.” He takes the parrot out of the bag, and jumps off the bridge. Halfway down, he takes a gun out of his pocket and shoots the parrot. He then falls all the way to the bottom.

Moments later, the police arrive on the bridge. A policeman walks up to the edge and looks down at the mangled body. "When will these extreme sport fanatics ever learn," he asks himself. “First there was budgie jumping, then hen gliding and now parrot shooting.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Mon Jul 31, 2006 00:16

Get back in that decompression chamber Dick!!!! :banghead:
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Postby Dick Winchester » Thu Aug 03, 2006 10:01

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, Alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatté (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
Dick Winchester
 

Postby Ken Malone » Thu Aug 03, 2006 15:11

lock the door Dick - they'll be coming for you :wink:
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Postby Dick Winchester » Thu Aug 03, 2006 16:00

What makes you think they haven't already been 8O
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Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Nov 10, 2006 16:01

How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.

:wink:
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Not a joke

Postby Danny Skehan » Thu Nov 16, 2006 14:39

Oh my God! - Only in America :lol:

Disorder in the American Courts......
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Duh.............
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
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Postby Danny Skehan » Tue Nov 21, 2006 16:40

A Tragedy
Tony Blair was visiting a British school. The teacher asked the
Prime Minister, Mr Blair, if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a
"tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend,
who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Blair "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not", explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Blair searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of
tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his
hand.

In a quiet voice he said, "If an aircraft carrying you, Mr Blair,
was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why
that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an
accident either." :wink:
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Re: Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

Postby Alex Clouter » Thu Mar 04, 2010 14:46

A man is walking down a country lane and comes across a farmer with a three-legged pig.

“Hey!” he shouts. “How did your pig lose a leg?”

The farmer replies, “Well, let me tell you a story. I was working under my tractor when the jack slipped and I was pinned under. The pig ran in, reset the jack, lifted the tractor up and pulled me to safety."

“Wow,” the man says. “So did the pig have his leg crushed by the tractor? How’d he lose his leg?”

“Well,” the farmer says. “Let me tell you another story. My daughter was out in the garden, swimming in the pool when she started to drown. The pig dived into the pool, pulled her to safety, called 999 and then looked after her until the paramedics arrived.”

“Really? That’s incredible! Did the pig strain himself while swimming? How did he lose his leg?”

“Well let me tell you another story. My family and I were sound asleep when the house caught on fire. The pig rushed in, woke us all up, dragged my youngest child to safety then helped the fire brigade when they arrived.”

“No kidding? That’s amazing! So was the pig burned in the fire? How the hell did he lose his leg?”

“Well,” the farmer says. “With a great pig like this, you don’t want to eat him all at once.”
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