Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

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THINGS MEN WISH WOMEN UNDERSTOOD ABOUT MEN

Postby Philip Lee » Tue Jan 25, 2005 14:08

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.

Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present once again.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel fluff, the sweeper system and carburettors.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Most guys own two or three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing a pair, out of thirty, which would look good with your dress?

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.[/b]
Philip Lee
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Jan 25, 2005 16:14

Want a day off work?
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days holiday per year which leaves only 1 day available for work so sorry - no day off for you!!!!
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Jan 26, 2005 13:14

A man in Alabama is working on the buses collecting tickets. After one stop he rings the bell for the driver to set off just as a woman is getting on. The driver speeds off and the woman falls off the bus. She is killed instantly. The man is found guilty of murder and sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution the executioner grants him a final wish.
“Well,” the condemned man says, “is that your packed lunch?”
“Yes,” the executioner replies.
“Can I have that banana?” the man asks.
The executioner hands the man his banana, waits until he has eaten it, and then flips the switch, sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears, however, he is still alive. The executioner is aghast.
“Am I free to go?” the man asks.
“According to the rules, yes,” the executioner replies, “I’m completely amazed though. That has never happened before.”
The man gets his job back on the buses. On his first day back, he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still trying to get on the bus. A man falls under one of the wheels and is killed.
Once more the man is sent to the electric chair. This time the executioner is determined to do the job properly so he turns up the power supply before granting the man a final wish.
“I’ll have that banana in your lunch pack,” the man says.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The man gobbles up the banana and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair. The smoke clears and the man is sitting upright, smiling. Shocked, the executioner lets the man go.
The man gets his job back on the buses. It’s the second day of his work, with a new driver at the steering wheel. Again the man rings the bell while passengers are getting on and this time three people are killed. So again he is back at the electric chair. This time the executioner rigs up the power to the maximum and grants the man a wish.
“I think I will have that banana in your lunchbox,” he states.
The executioner hands over the banana and the man eats it all, skin included. Then the executioner pulls the handle and sends trillions of volts through the chair. When the smoke clears, the man is happily sitting in the chair without so much as a burn mark.
“I give up,” the executioner says, “How can you still be alive? It’s something to do with the bananas, isn’t it?”
“No,” the man replies, “I’m just a bad conductor.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Jan 26, 2005 16:01

How many LSE students does it take to change a lightbulb?

76

One to change the lightbulb,
fifty to protest the lightbulb's right not to change and
twenty five to hold a counter protest.
Ken Malone
 

Postby Danny Skehan » Wed Jan 26, 2005 17:51

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R",we forgot the "R".
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"





With choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was "celebrate'." :lol:
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Jan 26, 2005 18:41

:D good one Danny :D


In the same Father Ted type genre..........

Dominic was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Dominic gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so"

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Dominic goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Jan 29, 2005 11:25

How do you make a Mexican chilli? Take him to Lapland!
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Postby Ken Malone » Sat Jan 29, 2005 12:42

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put £10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the £10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Feb 02, 2005 00:16

A young man notices an old lady following him around a supermarket.
“I’m sorry,” she explains as they approach the check-out, “ but you look so much like my late son.”
“I’m sorry too,” says the polite young man, “is there anything I can do, to make you feel better?”
“Yes,” says the old lady, “I’d love to hear you say, ‘ goodbye mum’ as my son never had the chance.”
The young man obliges, then waves sweetly and says goodbye as the lady leaves the store with her shopping.
“That’ll be £48,” says the check-out assistant, “ your mum said you’ll pay.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Feb 02, 2005 10:33

Two blondes in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Sharon: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Tracey: Well hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down! :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Graham Farley » Thu Feb 03, 2005 13:29

Young boy in bath points to his testicles and asks his mother if they are his brains, mother replies not yet dear. :oops:
Graham Farley
 

Postby Ken Malone » Thu Feb 03, 2005 15:18

How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It :D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Sun Feb 06, 2005 13:20

A woman was stopped for speeding. The officer walked up to her car and asked to see her licence, she replied "But I don't have one, I've lost it 4 times for drink driving"
Officer - "Can I see the vehicle registration please"
Woman - " I don't have it, you see I stole the car"
Officer - " Stole it??"
Woman - "Yes. I had to kill and hack up the owner, his body parts are in a plastic bag in the boot if you want to see"

The officer backs away and calls for backup; within 5 minutes the car is surrounded, with armed police covering the woman. A sergeant approaches:

Sergeant - "Miss, please step out the car"
The woman steps out, enquiring if there is a problem
Sergeant - "One of my officers tells me you have stolen this car, killed the owner, hacked up his body and have the body parts in the boot of this car"
The woman looks suprised - she opens the boot revealing nothing.
Sergeant - "Is this your car?"
Woman - "Yes, here is the registration document"
Sergeant - "Can I see your drivers licence?"
Woman - "Certainly"; she hands it over
The Sergeant examines it, and hands it back.
Sergeant - "Thank you Miss, my officer told me you had no licence, no documents, you'd stolen the car and killed the owner"
Woman - "Bet the liar told you I was speeding too"
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Postby Alex Clouter » Tue Feb 08, 2005 15:13

“Granddad, what’s the best thing about being 104?”

“Grandson, there’s no peer pressure.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Tue Feb 08, 2005 15:25

6 proofs that computers are FEMALE

1. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

2. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

4. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

5. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm not telling!".

6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Feb 09, 2005 17:26

A man is crossing a road one day when a frog calls out to him and says, “If you kiss me I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

So the man bends over, picks up the frog and puts it into his pocket.

The frog speaks up again, saying, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”

The man takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to his pocket. The frog says, “If you kiss me and turn me into a princess I will be your loving companion for a whole week.”

Once again the man takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and puts it back. The frog then cries out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I will stay with you for a year and do anything you want.” Again the man takes the frog out, smiles at it,before returning it to his pocket.

At the end of its tether, the frog asks, “What is the matter/ I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for a whole year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

“Look,” the man replies, “I’m a computer programmer. I’ve no interest in a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Feb 09, 2005 18:06

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."

In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.

In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.

In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.

In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad
Ken Malone
 

Postby Ian Linden » Wed Feb 09, 2005 21:29

Ken Malone wrote: In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.

So what happens about the other ten miles?

They meet up with the firing squad?
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Postby Ken Malone » Wed Feb 09, 2005 23:21

I bet no-one's ever made it back!!!!! :D
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Postby Alex Clouter » Thu Feb 10, 2005 16:32

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death’s door they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer they see it’s draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly raw juicy bacon... all sorts of bacon.

“Hey, Pepe!” says the first Mexican. “Ees a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet he’s gunned down in a hail of bullets. His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Hey, Pepe!Pepe! Que pasa hombre?”

With his last breath, Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run amigo, run - ees not a bacon tree, ees a ham bush.”
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