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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 13:05
by Alex Clouter
How do you kill off a circus in one go?

Go for the juggler!

PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 13:26
by Ken Malone
Image :D :D :D

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2005 21:02
by Dick Winchester
So Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when Dick Cheney wandered in. After prayers Cheney was sent in a note from the Chiefs of Staff...

"What news?" asked El Presidente.... "Oh nothing good" said Dicky boy " another suicide attack in Iraq - they killed a Brazilian this time"

"God - that's really terrible news - What on earth can we say to the American people about this" cried the President...

"Hang on - exactly how many is a brazillion anyway?"

PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 15:44
by Alex Clouter
An anvil falls off the top of a cliff and onto a military band... what do you call the result?

A Flat Major


PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 21:58
by Ken Malone

A Flat Minor

PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 23:08
by Daisy Hewitt
Why are school cooks so cruel?

Because they batter fish and beat eggs!!

PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 23:01
by Alex Clouter
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to
church with me and receive blessings."

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the! situation. !

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!"


A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 01:25
by Dick Winchester
"Doctor, doctor! My family thinks I'm obsessive."
"Why's that?"
"I like sausages."
"There's nothing strange about that. I like sausages too."

"Really? You must come and see my collection – I've got thousands!"

PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 09:05
by Ken Malone
Great one Dick

I got an image of sausages all on shelves inside display cases with hand-written labels on them :)

PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 21:59
by Alex Clouter
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire??

Frost Bite!

PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 18:17
by Ken Malone
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a monk?

A Blood Brother

PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 22:33
by Alex Clouter
What did the agoraphobic skinhead say?

“Oi, you! Inside!”


PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 00:16
by Dick Winchester
This is clean - honest!

Getting Married

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in
handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious
step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.

"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going
to step on it!"


PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 17:30
by Danny Skehan

You have 2 cows and you give one to your


You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.


You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.


You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...


You have two cows. You sell one and buy a
bull.Your herd multiplies, and
the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped dead.

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count
them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows. You worship them.

You have two cows. Both are mad.

You have two cows. You claim government subsidies :multi:

PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 20:28
by Ken Malone

PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 14:28
by Danny Skehan
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes garage and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are looking at
him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?" :lol:

PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 01:23
by Dick Winchester
The questions below about Australia are apparently from potential visitors.(never found the website) They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a ready sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? ( USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No! , we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Gum Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 15:11
by Ken Malone
brilliant as ever Dick :D

PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 12:06
by Alex Clouter
A man is rushed to hospital when a fishbone is stuck in his throat.

The doctor says to him, “Are you choking?”

The man replies, “No, I’m b****y serious.”

PostPosted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 20:33
by Dick Winchester
Rumours are circulating that it will take 3 weeks to make the coffin for Gene Pitney from Tennessee Oak,

but only 24 hours from balsa !