SCORE

he who laughs first has forgotten it

Three things to remember when you wake up with a hangover.

1. Look in the mirror. The face will be familiar, even if you can't remember the name.

2. Tell yourself you are simply experiencing the wrath of grapes.

3. Always listen to what your Rice Krispies are trying to tell you.

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" the father asked.
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence you ever tried!

If at first you don't destroy all the evidence, claim that you are a conviction politician

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Truth is stranger than fiction - which is why all politicians words are predictable & boring

Those who live by the sword get shot by those that don't.

it's a long road that has a variety of turnings

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby
4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

First time I've seen that version. Very good.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If you stay calm whilst all around you is chaos ............

Then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation!

<img src="http://img68.imageshack.us/img68/3977/xmascancelled8005pa.jpg" border="0" width="800" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us" /></a>

Nice one Ken!!

If at first you don't succeed .........

destroy any evidence that you even tried!

Arf!


The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant, "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

A man bought a Cappuccino. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 70
mph and was enjoying the wind blowing through his hair. "This is great,"he thought; the trubo kicked in and he accelerated to 80 mph.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him, no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road reaching 90mph tops to escape being stopped.

The police car was still behind him. He looked again at the rear view mirrror and thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm not up to this sort of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The policeman pulled in behind the Cappo and walked up on the driver's side.

The policeman says, "Sir, my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day!"

From Quote Unquote last night:

"Reports are coming in of an explosion at a japanese car factory. Locals are saying it's raining Datsun cogs"

What does a cow with no lips say?

Oooooooo!!



(sorry, my excuse is that it came from my niece!)

A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of a Cappuccino when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.

The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, could I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."