Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

This forum is for long-term games, and was initially seeded with several topics from the Chat forum.

Moderator: Steering Group

Postby Andrew Vieyra » Mon Aug 22, 2005 03:38

Upon telling a coworker I have to wait a week for a new timing belt to come in for my cap, his response was "What do you need to order one in for? Just use your shoelace!"
Andrew Vieyra
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Aug 26, 2005 16:28

Baby balloon sleeps in bed with daddy and mummy balloon until one day when daddy balloon says to baby balloon, “Son, I think it’s time you slept in your own room.” Baby balloon reluctantly agrees.

That night, baby balloon sleeps in his bed, but wakes up in the night and feels scared. So he goes into daddy and mummy balloon’s bedroom and tries to squeeze in-between them in bed, but he won’t fit.

He decides to let some air out of daddy balloon, but he still wouldn’t fit.

Then he decides to let some air out of mummy balloon, but he still can’t fit.

He finally decides to let some air out of himself – and he fits!

In the morning, daddy balloon is very disappointed with baby balloon and says to him,

“Son, it’s just not good enough – You’ve let me down, you’ve let your mum down and worst of all, you’ve let yourself down!!!”

:roll:

Tee hee!
User avatar
Alex Clouter
Message Board Guru
Message Board Guru
 
Posts: 2259
Images: 11
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2002 22:23
Location: Findon, West Sussex

Postby Ken Malone » Wed Aug 31, 2005 00:01

A lady went into her local hardware store and bought two instant barbeques - the ones with the pictures of succulent foods on the lid.

The next day, she returned one of these to the customer service desk at the store complaining that there was no food inside! The assistant patiently told her that these were just barbeque trays and that the food was not supplied with them.

"Oh dear" said the lady. "I'd better take the other one out of the freezer then"! :oops:
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Sep 13, 2005 08:36

A french teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine - La maison. Pencil is masculine - Le crayon.

A student asked what gender a computer was, so the teacher split the class in to 2 groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves, and give reasons for their reasoning.

The guys decided computer should be female because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomrehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a committment to one you spend half your salary on accessories for it.

The girls decided that computer must be masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but most of the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited just a little longer you could have gotten a better model

Naturally, the girls were right! :wink:
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 08:49

horribly incisive!!!!!!!!
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Sep 13, 2005 08:52

:rolling:
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 09:05

.and predictable too ha ha!!! :)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Sep 13, 2005 09:05

Why break a habit of a lifetime!!
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 09:09

true - the universe would be thrown out of kilter :)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Sep 13, 2005 09:10

So I'd better not change then!!
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 09:11

definitely :)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Tue Sep 13, 2005 19:36

There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.
She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"
"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"
"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"
"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"
"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs..
"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"
"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Tue Sep 13, 2005 19:44

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN...

1. Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

2. You step out of your room and realise that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

3. All of your friends have an @ in their names.

4. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Excite.

5. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

6. Your phone bill is delivered in a box.

7. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

8. The last person you picked up was only a jpeg.

9. You forget what year it is.

10. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Sep 13, 2005 20:25

Hmmmmm :lol:
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 22:24

nice biog there Andrew ;)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Tue Sep 13, 2005 22:26

Mine's much worse than that Ken! :lol:
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 23:19

how's the workload agreement panning out in your school? :)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Tue Sep 13, 2005 23:29

Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon! :D
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Ken Malone » Tue Sep 13, 2005 23:37

Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
Great! I got loads of time on the t'internet Friday afternoon!
:):):)
Ken Malone
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Fri Sep 16, 2005 20:26

He who laughs last has only just got the joke!
Andrew Milne
 

PreviousNext

Return to Fun

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron