Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

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Postby Elizabeth Hall » Wed Apr 20, 2005 15:42

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds, as he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him, to show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both, what can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He gets to his last task which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees, he grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, he wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The other lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Wed Apr 20, 2005 22:38

What do vegetarian cannibals eat?
Swedes!
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Postby Elizabeth Hall » Wed Apr 27, 2005 08:04

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back inside the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Apr 30, 2005 10:35

A novice monk is assigned to help other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices that they are copying from copies not the original manuscripts. So the new monk goes to the head monk and points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all other copies.

The head monk says, “We have been using these copies for centuries but you make a good point my son. We must check everything we have written.”

So the monks all go down in the cellar where the originals are kept to begin the long-winded checking process. Eventually one hears sobbing at the back of the cellar. He investigates and finds an old monk leaning over an original text crying.

Slowly he looks up and says, “The damn word is ‘celebrate’!”
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Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue May 03, 2005 10:51

Drinking fault finder
A solution to all of your drinking troubles (Hopefully won't offend anyone)

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Zach Marky » Sat May 07, 2005 12:23

A little boy goes with his father to a football match. At halftime the little boy gets lost. Being a sensible lad, he finds a policeman:

"Excuse me, I can't find my dad." Said the boy.

"What's he like?" Asks the policeman.

"Beer, blondes and football." Replies the boy.
Zach Marky
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Tue May 24, 2005 22:35

Three businessmen are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there’s a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping sound stops. The others look at him curiously.

“That’s my pager,” he explains. “I have a microchip implanted under the skin in my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone is heard ringing. The second man lifts his palm to his ear and starts talking naturally to the other person on the line. When he finishes the conversation, he puts his hand down on his lap and continues to relax, sniffing the essences coming from the sauna embers. The other two peer across and stare.

“That’s my mobile phone,”he explains. “I have a microchip in my hand.”

The third man steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his backside. The other two men raise their eyebrows.

“Oh, it’s OK,” the third man explains, turning his head round to look at the paper. “I’m getting a fax.”
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Postby Elizabeth Hall » Sun Jun 05, 2005 12:53

Grow your own dope........Plant a man :D
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ed Swindell » Tue Jun 28, 2005 12:19

"Doctor, doctor, i keeping getting a rash from the 'E' tiles in our scrabble set"
"ah, yes, i've seen this before. I think you've got irritable vowel syndrome"
Ed Swindell
 

Postby Peter Ferrando » Thu Jul 14, 2005 22:38

A young lady was invited to a very important dinner. As she suffered terribly of hay fever she didn't want to go as she was afraid she'd spend the evening sneezing.

Her mother handed her two handkerchiefs and advised her not to miss such an important event : "Keep one in your hand and stuff the other one down the front of your dress!".

During the evening she sneezed a lot but she felt safe knowing she had two handkerchiefs. When she needed the second one she tried to retrieve it from the front of her dress, but couldn't find it. So she kept looking and feeling down her dress.

Suddenly she was aware of silence around her and looking up she saw all the other guests staring at her, obviously wondering what on earth she was doing. She felt herself going red and to save the situation she said with a small smile :

"I'm sure I had two when I came in !!!"
Peter Ferrando
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Thu Jul 14, 2005 22:53

What's E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his spaceship!!
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Jul 15, 2005 22:57

A teacher, a dustman and a lawyer find themselves waiting outside the Pearly Gates of Heaven. St Peter emerges and informs them that, in order to get into heaven, they’ll each have to answer one question.

St Peter first turns to the teacher.

“What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a couple of movies about it.”

The teacher replies quickly, “That was Titanic.” The teacher is let through the Gates.

He then turns to the dustman and asks, “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately the dustman had recently seen the DVD. “1228,” he replies.

“That’s right,” St Peter replies. “You may come in.”

St Peter then turns to the lawyer: “Name them!”
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Postby Andrew Milne » Fri Jul 15, 2005 23:49

I've just been banned from all the B&Q stores but can't understand why. This bloke came up to me and asked me if I wanted decking. All I did was get a right hook in first!
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Ken Malone » Sat Jul 16, 2005 00:12

I know you're feeling a bit poorly but........................................aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol:
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sun Jul 17, 2005 00:09

A doctor is talking to his patient…

“The results of your last test are conclusive,” he says. “You’ve got two months to live.”

“Oh my God,” says the patient. “Is there anything I can do?”

“You could try a lot of mud baths,” says the doctor.

“And will that cure me?” asks the patient.

“No,” says the doctor, “but it will help you get used to lying in the ground.”
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Postby Elizabeth Hall » Wed Jul 20, 2005 07:45

I met a man with 7 eyes yesterday - said his name was Seymore :?
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Wed Jul 20, 2005 11:01

Last night I lay in bed looking at the millions of stars twinkling in the dark night sky, disappearing into the endless horizon, and I thought to myself, "WHERE THE HELL HAS MY ROOF GONE?!"
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Ed Swindell » Wed Jul 20, 2005 12:50

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, During the second night Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute. 'Well, Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, it tells me someone has stolen our tent.'
Ed Swindell
 

Postby Ken Malone » Wed Jul 20, 2005 13:55

Very angry guy elbowing his way down a street carrying a fishing boat.

What the.... is that? says one bystander

OOh blimey.. says his pal

Looks like...

Someones about to get a smack in the mouth!!!
Ken Malone
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Thu Jul 21, 2005 23:05

A little old man boards a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to a beautiful young lady, and she can’t help but glance quizzically at the man and his bulging pockets.

It’s an uneasy few minutes before, finally, the little old man can take no more.

“Golf balls,” he nods reassuringly, pointing down to his lap.

The lady seems a little shocked and stares on.

Moments later, she says, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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