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Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 10:16
by Ian Linden
Stranger in NY walks up to itinerant street musician.

"Say, can you tell me how to get to Carnegie Hall?"

"Practise, man, practise"


PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 10:56
by Alex Clouter
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.

“13! 13! 13!” goes the noise from within the mental hospital’s ward.

The man’s curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It’s not long before he finds a small crack so he leans forward and peers in.

Instantly someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues: “14! 14! 14!”

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 12:33
by Lindsey Gray
Polar Bear walks in to a bar and asks for a pint

Barman asks him 'Why the big pause' (paws!!!)


PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 12:58
by Ken Malone
Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Or the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? :D

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 22:39
by Ian Linden
Polar bear reminds me about the gorilla who walks into a pub, and asks for a pint, to the amazement of the landlord, who is so bemused that he reponds to "How much is that, then?" with "Oh, five".

The gorilla fishes under his armpit and proffers a five pound note.

The landlord gingerly accepts the note and says "We don't get many gorillas in here", to which the gorilla replies "I'm not surprised, at a fiver a pint".

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2005 22:47
by Ken Malone
On a rural road in North Yorkshire a concerned policeman pulled a farmer over and said:

"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

The farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!" :looney:

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 12:58
by Lindsey Gray
This one is soooo sad but it's a fav of mine!!!

Q - What's green and pear shaped????

What for it.....

A - A Pear

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 13:10
by Ken Malone
OMG! :banghead:

This ones as bad Lindsey

One day, a blonde drives her car into a truck. The driver makes her pull over into a lay-by and get out of the car.
He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the pavement telling her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he goes over to her car and slashes the tyres.
The blonde starts laughing.
He gets angrier so he smashes her windsscreen.
This time she laughs even harder.
Livid, he smashes all her windows and keys her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 13:44
by Alex Clouter
Declan the humble crab and Kate the lobster princess were madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

“We can’t see each other any more...” she sobbed.

“Why?” gasped Declan.

“Daddy says that crabs are too common” show wailed, “He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways”.

Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide for dancing and merry making but the lobster princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father’s side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The lobsters all stopped their dancing, the princess gasped and King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking forwards, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne until finally he looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.

Finally the crab said, “I’m drunk”.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 17, 2005 13:48
by Ken Malone
After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Status Quo, the elderly rock duo."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

PostPosted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 22:29
by Alex Clouter
It’s been a particularly good day for a travelling salesman and he needs just one more sale to get his commission. He knocks at the door of the Smith family home.

A small boy comes to the door, steps out onto the doorstep and whispers: “What do you want?”.

The salesman looks at the boy. “Hello,” he says, “is your mummy home?”

“Yes,” the boy says, “but she’s very busy.”

“OK,” says the salesman, “what about your daddy; can I have a word with him?”

“Nope,” whispers the boy, “he’s busy too.”

The salesman pauses, but is desperate for his commission: “What about your brothers and sisters, do you have any?”

“Yes,” the little boy replies, “but they’re all very busy as well.”

“Grandparents?” the salesman asks.

“Nope,” the boy says, “they’re tied up too.”

“Are there any adults in the house?” the salesman asks, exasperated.

“Yes,” the boy says, “there’s two firemen and a policeman here at the moment.”

The salesman replies: “You mean that your entire family, two firemen and a policeman are all in the house, but they’re too busy to see me. What are they doing?”

“Looking for me,” the little boy whispers.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 00:07
by Ken Malone
Teenager on first vacation job

Your first job is to sweep the floor.
But I'm a college student!
Don't worry, give me the broom - I'll show you how.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 12:12
by Danny Skehan
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know
her first name was

Always. :lol:

PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 15:31
by Philip Lee
Japanese Finance report:

Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank
plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is
going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there
is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may
get a raw deal.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


PostPosted: Wed Jan 19, 2005 16:05
by Ken Malone
If your wife wants to learn how to drive,

don't stand in her way!!!! :rolling:
. :joker:

PostPosted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 17:34
by Kevin Todd
One guy says to his friend "What are you getting the wife for Christmas?"
His friend replies, a wooden leg
Thats not much of a present is it he responds
Well its just a stocking filler!!

PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 22:25
by Alex Clouter
How do you kill off a circus in one go?
Go for the juggler!

PostPosted: Mon Jan 24, 2005 22:43
by Ken Malone
Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:07
by Perry Mitchell
A little long - but well worth the effort!

A man called Sidney living near a zoo looks out of his window one morning and sees a gorilla lounging in his garden tree. He rings the Zoo and an exasperated spokesman says that he will send round the gorilla catching team who are apparently well practiced with this particular beast.
A few minutes later Sidney opens his front door to a single man in a keepers uniform carrying a holdall and a little terrier dog at his side.

"Where's the rest of your team" declares a nervous Sidney looking down the street.

"Good Morning Sir" replies the keeper, "my name is Fred and we are going to catch that rascal Guy with a tiny bit of help from you"

"Oh I'm not a brave man" says Sidney, "I couldn't do anything dangerous!"

"No problem" says Fred, taking a rather large revolver out of the holdall!
Sidney recoils in horror but Fred reassures him it is only for emergency use and hands it over to Sidney explaining how the safety catch can be released if necessary.

"This is the plan" says Fred, "it's worked many times before since I'm afraid Guy has got rather good at escaping." He then takes a large gladiator type throwing net out of the bag. "I take the net and climb up into the tree; I then shake it vigorously and Guy will fall out since he is rather clumsy. The dog is trained that when Guy hits the ground, the dog rushes in and sinks his teeth into Guy's wedding tackle; this causes Guy to bend over in agony and at that moment I drop the net over him and drop down to secure him for shipment back to the zoo."

Sidney has been listening intently and is almost convinced by Fred's casual and practiced description that it really could work. He then glances down and remembers the gun resting in his hand:
"Hold-on, if that is the story then why do I need the gun?!"

"Ah yes" says Fred "well if I fall out of the tree first then you shoot the dog!!"

PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:14
by Ken Malone
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.