Bring out your old (clean) jokes for an airing

This forum is for long-term games, and was initially seeded with several topics from the Chat forum.

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Postby Ken Malone » Sat Feb 26, 2005 00:59

what do you call the original Mrs Battles?


The Mother of all Battles
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Sat Feb 26, 2005 12:31

"God, I have a problem"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know you created me, and provided this beautiful garden, all these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy. I'm lonely, and sick to death of apples"
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution, I shall create a man for you"
"A man? What is that, my God?"
"A flawed creature, Eve, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, be vain; all in all he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he'll satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting, kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will need your advice to think properly"
"Sounds great" says Eve, with raised eyebrows, "but what is the catch?"
"Well, you can have him on one condition - as I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring ..... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. It will have to be our little secret ..... you know, woman to woman"
:wink:
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Ken Malone » Sat Feb 26, 2005 13:45


I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life :D

:D
Ken Malone
 

Postby Lindsey Gray » Tue Mar 01, 2005 14:37

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!!!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Role playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT. LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual counselors available.
Lindsey Gray
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Fri Mar 04, 2005 20:40

Nice one Lyndsey!!

A 'Help Wanted' sign in a shop window read:
Must be good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an equal oppurtunities employer

A short time later a lovely Golden Retriever trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked up at the receptionist and wagged his tail, walked to the sign, looked back and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the manager - who was suprised to say the least - but the dog loked determined so he led the dog into the office, where the dog jumped up onto a chair and waited.
The manager said - "I can't hire you, the sign says you must be able to type!"
The dog jumped down and quickly typed a perfect business letter.
The manager was stunned but said - " Fantastic, but sorry, the sign says you must be good with a computer", whereupon the dog trotted to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various progams, and presented the manager with spreadsheets and databases
The manager was dumbfounded, but still said he could not hire the dog.
The dog went to the sign in the window and pawed at the words 'Equal Opportunities'
Exasperated, the manager said - "Yes I know, but the sign also says you have to be bilingual"
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said - "Meow"
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Fri Mar 04, 2005 23:04

What do you call a deer that has one eye?
No eye deer

What do you call a deer with one eye and is unable to walk?
Still no eye deer
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Postby Ken Malone » Sat Mar 05, 2005 00:38

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Sat Mar 05, 2005 13:03

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Do-you-think-he-saurus
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sat Mar 05, 2005 22:43

Doctor, doctor. I’ve got a peanut stuck in my ear.

Just pour warm chocolate in your right ear and tip your head over to the left; it will come out a treat.
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Postby Ken Malone » Sun Mar 06, 2005 11:16

Mum goes to son's room to wake him up.
"Okay, son, time to wake up! Time for school!"
Son, in a surly mood says, "I don't want to go to school!"
Mother insists, "You must, son, now come on!"
Son replies, "I don't want to go! The kids all make fun of me. They hit me. They throw things at me! I don't want to go!"
Mother says, gently, "Son, you know you have to go to school."
"Why do I have to go to school?"
Mother replies, "Because you're the Headteacher!!!"
Ken Malone
 

Postby Andrew Milne » Sun Mar 06, 2005 16:10

Teacher: Why are you late?
Pupil: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Pupil: The one that says, 'School Ahead, Go Slow.' So that's what I did.
Andrew Milne
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Sun Mar 06, 2005 23:17

A man walks into a cocktail bar and asks for a drink, but the barman says that a tie has to be worn before being served.

As the man was spoken to in the right and proper way, so he returns to his car hoping he might find a tie in his overnight bag. He doesn’t. All he can find is a set of jump leads so he ties them round his neck and returns to the bar.

“How’s this?” the man asks.

“Well OK,” the barman replies, “but don’t start anything.”
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Postby Andrew Milne » Mon Mar 07, 2005 00:39

Did you know a shark will only attack you if you're wet?
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Postby Ian Linden » Mon Mar 07, 2005 01:00

Andrew Milne wrote:Did you know a shark will only attack you if you're wet?

So a dry-suit is a complete defence?
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Postby Andrew Milne » Mon Mar 07, 2005 01:28

As long as the dry suit is dry absolutely :wink:
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Postby Ken Malone » Mon Mar 07, 2005 09:10

and the shark is intelligent enough to notice
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Postby Alex Clouter » Mon Mar 07, 2005 10:47

A man is rushed to hospital when a fishbone is stuck in his throat.
The doctor says to him, “Are you choking?”
The man replies, “No, I’m bloody serious.”
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Postby Ken Malone » Mon Mar 07, 2005 11:12

A footballer's wife goes into the beauty parlour with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the bimbo

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and pulls it off her head.

Within seconds, the bimbo dies.

When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it

repeating "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in".
Ken Malone
 

Postby Elizabeth Hall » Tue Mar 08, 2005 11:03

This man was lonely so he went to the pet shop and told the owner he wanted an unusal pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box for his house.
He took his new pet home, found a good location for the bocx, and decided that he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink, so he tapped on the box and said "Would you like to go to the Queens Head and have a beer with me?"
There was no answer, which bothered the man a bit, but he waited a minute and asked again - but again there was no answer.
He waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask just one more time, so he put his head up against the centipede's house and shouted "Oi, in there, would you like to go for a drink with me?"

A little voice came out the box ........

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my damn shoes on"
Elizabeth Hall
 

Postby Alex Clouter » Tue Mar 08, 2005 18:49

Tony and Gordon are playing golf. On the first tee, Tony says to Gordon, “Hey, let’s have a £10 bet on the outcome.”
Gordon agrees and they have a great game. After the 17th, Tony is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball in the rough on the final hole.
“Help me find my ball,” he asks.
After five minutes neither has had any luck and, since they agreed a lost ball would carry a two-shot penalty, Tony pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found it!” he cries out triumphantly.
Gordon looks at him in despair.
“After all the support I’ve given you, you try to deceive me for £10?” he says
“What do you mean, deceive you?” Tony speedily responds, “I found my ball sitting right here.”
“And a liar too,” Gordon says in amazement, “I know that isn’t your ball, Tony, because I’ve been standing on it for the last five minutes.”
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